Coming to the End and the Beginning

As my pregnancy is coming to an end I find that I am reflecting back over the past 5 years and what we went through to get to this point. It is crazy that the one thing that we have wished and prayed for for so long is about to happen. It just a couple of days I will go in for my c-section and we will finally welcome this baby to our home and lives-it has been apart of our hearts for 5 years and it is so exciting to be able to finally put a face and a little person behind our dream. Almost exactly 5 years ago Troy and I felt such strong promptings on the exact same day that we were suppose to have another baby. It freaked me out! Tanner was only 9 months old and still my baby-needless to say I was not ready at all. It actually took me a couple of months to come around to the idea and jump in. Needless to say I didn't think that we would have any problems because we hadn't before. So I was shocked by the struggles we faced in getting pregnant-it just didn't make sense to me. After several rounds of clomid I prayed that we would find the right path to bring this child into our home. I started researching adoption and instantly my heart felt at peace- I thought that I had finally found the answer I was looking for. I researched and researched and fell in love with the sweet faces I saw coming home from Vietnam and Asia and felt that we were suppose to go and find our child there. Money was a huge concern for us and it just felt like we were never going to be able to afford an adoption. I watched and waited and prayed and still felt that Vietnam was the place for us-we just needed to save up some money. Then the Vietnam program began to experience problems and closed down. I was devastated! I felt that we had missed a chance-but Troy was ever optimistic and knew that somehow we would find the right path to grow our family. My heart was set on adoption-I have grown to love it. The families I have been able to learn about just truly touched my heart and I found that everywhere I turned I was meeting someone whose life had been touched by it. I was so excited to be apart of it-so I was reluctant to even try any more fertility drugs-I didn't want to get my hopes up-and I felt truly at peace with the decision to grow our family through adoption-but my new doctor wanted to just try clomid again. So I went on it-and was told I didn't ovulate-so imagine my surprise when 2 weeks later I find out we are pregnant. It was crazy-my emotions were everywhere-I just didn't know what to think or feel. Of course I was soo excited and humbled and just felt so blessed to be pregnant again after so long, but apart of me mourned for the loss of adoption as an option for our family because it had become such a part of me and my plans for the future. I know it sounds silly but is was such an array of emotions it is hard to describe. I think that I will always have a love for adoption and I hope that maybe someday we will get to adopt-It is hard to know and understand the why things worked out the way they did for us. We obviously had something that we were suppose to learn from this trial-whether it was to open our hearts to adoption-or something else I just don't know at this time, but I do know that my heart was changed and opened to so many things through this trial and I am grateful for those things.

It is crazy to think that we are now ready to start a new chapter in our lives. We are so excited to move to this next stage of our lives. I have been lucky to not have to hard of a pregnancy. And we are sooo ready for this sweet spirit. The kids can hardly wait and will just be huge helps to me. This baby will definitely not be lacking in love-I will post some belly pics and then next week sometime update to let you all know what we had and how we are doing.

The NEWS

SO I have been trying to figure out how I wanted to approach this post. First off I know that there are many families who have been trying to have their families for a long time-and I truly admire their strength. I know that I have been so blessed with being able to have 2 kids and only dealing with secondary infertility. I sometimes felt guilty for the personal struggles I have had with it when so many others don't have any kids. But I aso knew that we weren't done growing our family. So after 4 years Troy and I were finally on the same page. Getting pregnant just didn't seem to be something that was going to happen for us-but affording adoption was going to be hard, so we did our research and decided on an adoption route that we figured we could afford and I started putting together an adoption website. In the mean time my new doctor wanted me to try clomid again. I had already done 9 cycles and had zero success with it, but hey it is just about the cheapest option out there-so we tried it. I wasn't optimistic at all and was proven right when I went in on day 22 for a blood drawn and was told I didn't ovulate. I was told to wait until day 35 or so and then call in for a new prescription of a higher dose and provera. I had gotten to the point where I didn't expect results and so was not disappointed-I was just going to continue on with our adoption plans. About a week later I started to get sick-my whole family was sick so I thought that I just had a bug, but day 35 came and I had an extra test lying around so I decided to take it-knowing it would be negative-but why let it go to waste right? So I got up took it and went back to bed-I didn't even look at it-they have been negative for 4 years. I got up about 2 hours later to get Tati off to school and went into the bathroom to see a positive test-I couldn't believe it and didn't. I figured it had sat too long and was too old-but Troy being the optimist that he is examined it every which way and decided it really was positive. I said whatever and went back to sleep :) So later that afternoon he calls me to ask if I went to the store and bought more tests-I of course said "NO why waste the money??" But Troy talked me into and so we trekked to the store, bought some more tests and came home-I was going to wait until the next morning-but Troy was just way too excited, so I took one right then and it came up positive again!!! So me being the doubter that I am packed up the kids and went to the dr's office to get my blood drawn-Lo and behold the next morning they call back to tell me I am most definitely PREGNANT!!!

We of course were shocked, excited, humbled, and feel so blessed! Im not sure what happened or why now, but we are just so grateful. Of course after years of looking forward to adoption we really hope to add to our family through adoption in the future-it will most likely be an international one at that point-but we truly have come to love adoption and really want to be apart of the awesomeness that is adoption.

I have spent the summer being sicker than a dog and never more grateful for morning sickness-I am now 16 weeks and starting to get energy back and feel more normal-if not a lot bigger. The kids are estatic and fight over whether it will be a boy or a girl. I hope that those in the adoption community that read this blog will know how much I admire their strength and unconditional love-I love reading your blogs and following your journey-and will continue to do so. As I hope you will still check in here - this blog will most likely become more of a what is going on in our lives blog now-especially with my family having moved away-but I hope you will check in anyways!!

MOMS

I know it is late-but I wanted to write about great mothers. I have been so blessed with a wonderful mother. She is truly one of my greatest friends. She has always been there for me, even when I was a punk teenager and a real pain in the butt I am sure. She sat in a small PICU hospital room for weeks, sometimes months at a time to be with my sister when she was sick. She just is truly an amazing mom full of strength and love. I love how she is the best grandma ever. My kids just adore her. She gets down on the floor and plays with them, they do crafts and she always has something special for them when they come over. They love her so much and I love to watch them with her. She has some health struggles lately, but she hasn't let that keep her from being mom and grandma. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful mom-who taught me what it is to be a good mom.

I am soo lucky to be a mom. I just feeled so blessed that these sweet spirits chose me to be their mother. I could not ask for a better gift!!

Also I have been thinking so much about birthmothers this week and their selfless love and devotion to giving their children more. I am just so amazed at their courage and strength. I truly admire them so much. As your are going through this journey it is amazing how many people you already know have been touched by adoption and you just never knew it. I have a close friend who I found out placed 11 years ago, she has been so kind to share her experience with me and my perspectives about open adoption have truly been changed. She has a really good relationship with her daughters adoptive parents and they even came to the temple when she and her husband and their girls were sealed together. What a wonderful gift!!! My cousin is another example of a wonderful and courageous mother. I have always loved her and thought she was great, and now I feel so much admiration for her. She is awesome!! Now if you want to hear a great tribute to birthmoms you have to check out http://therhouse.blogspot.com this is seriously the best adoption blog ever!! She is a great adoption advocate!! You really should check it out-it has really opened up my heart to open adoption!! Her experiences are truly amazing!!

Putting yourself out there

So I have been wanting to write this post for awhile but didn't know how. Just 2 weeks ago we were made aware of a situation that my 2nd cousin might be placing her newborn baby for adoption. We told them that we would absolutely love to adopt her, but we have also been close growing up and knew that placing with a family member might be too hard for her. We knew that the chances were slim and didn't want to get our hopes up. She did decide to place, but felt that family was going to be too hard. Of course we understand and respect her decision and think she is so brave for choosing adoption.

There was just a little part of me that really hoped that she would pick us, and I was a wreck for days. So how do you not get your hopes up when you are putting yourself out there? I mean this is really the first situation we have been in where we said "hey we would love to adopt your baby" so it is all really new, but hard. I am sure many adoptive parents have felt this same thing when starting out on this journey. Does it get easier? Do your hopes get raised everytime you know you are being considered? It is just such an emotional roller coaster. You really have to make yourself vulnerable and you can't say hey pick us and not get a little attached to that baby and situation.

Sorry this is really just a rambling post-but I wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere. We are grateful that she even considered us and know that she had a tough choice to make. We hope that one day the Lord will bless us with an extrodinary birth mom who will bless our lives by making such a courageous choice to be parents to her sweet baby. We truly have come to love and respect birth parents so much-they are amazing!!!

Do you still have Hope? and other Random stuff

So lately I have been thinking about hope while going through infertility. How long before you finally say "okay this not going to happen for us"? I feel lucky that we will get to adopt because it such an amazing gift and I am so excited to be a part of it. It didn't take me long to get to this point, though it did take Troy a little bit longer. Although at the same time I find that sometimes I still think I could still get pregnant. I think this because the doctors have yet to find anything "wrong" per say. But logically I tell myself it has been 4 years of no birth control and like 4 cycles a year, so the chances are slim-but there is still the small amount of hope in me. So my question is: how long before you stopped believing there might be a chance-although slim-that you would get pregnant? Is it when you were told by drs that it wasn't going to happen or did you just come to the conclusion on your own? For me I think that I know that getting pregnant is most likely not going to happen but since we aren't ready to start our adoption process I still have that small amount of HOPE that something will happen on its own. Having said that I can't wait to start our adoption!! It is so exciting to read other peoples stories and see the wonderful joy it has brought to their lives and I can't wait to add my own story and be apart of something so special!!! So I think that the small amount of hope that is left is more me not wanting to wait any longer for a baby. Patience has never been my strong suit and the waiting to adopt is torture for me. I am just so ready!

So those are my random thoughts on infertility. I have been quite obsessive about it, but also feel at peace with the decision to wait. So my new obsession is Facebook. K-I totally love the thing!! Troy thinks I am a big dork-but that is just cause he hasn't gotten on it yet. It is so fun!! I have connected with tons of people from school that I haven't talked to in years, I also think the applications are fun-I love to take the little random quizzes. I know I am wierd, but it is way better than Myspace. If you are on Facebook I am sure you will understand!

So now I am going to start doing a favorite photo Friday- this week I have 2 pics

This is Tanner after his St. Patricks Day party at Pre-School. They made these cutle little Leprecaun Hats and wore Green. He just looked too cute.This next one is Sunday after church Troy and the kids made a fort with all of my cusions and blankets. They loved having Daddy play in the tent with them.

Adoption Options

For awhile now we have been discussing all of our adoption choices. Sadly Vietnam adoptions are really unstable right now and there is talk that they may even close down. I truly hope that this doesn't happen. There are so many families waiting for referrals or waiting for travel to bring their little ones home and I can only imagine how frustrating and worrisome this time is for them. My heart truly goes out to those in the process right now. Please keep these fantastic families in your prayers. That being said we don't feel that it is a good idea for us to start a Vietnam adoption at this point in time. This was really hard as I had to come to truly believe that this is where we were suppose to go, but I know that the Lord will open other pathways and options for us. We have talked a lot about domestic adoption and I used to really struggle with some aspects of it. But I have been so touched by so many other families who have had positive experiences with it that I have truly felt my heart being opened to this option. When we first started looking into adoption after realizing the chances of us having another biological child were slim I was immediately drawn to China. Of course after some research we learned that you have to be 30 to adopt from there. Well I was 26 so that didn't work well. I always felt that we would adopt from China someday, but was impatient to wait that long. So we have looked into other options. Unfortunately with new jobs, house moves and the like we have not had the chance to really put any money away. We are working really hard at getting out of debt and have decided to wait until late this year or early next year to start an adoption. Next spring I will be 29 1/2 and able to start China paperwork - so this may be the route we take. I am excited at the prospect even though I know that the wait is quite long, but I have felt for some time that we would have a daughter born in China. Of course when you are in the mists of the struggle of wanting to have a baby more than anything it is hard to say okay lets just wait 4 years. Well 4 years is almost here.

I have struggled of late with the frustrations of infertility. The questions without answers. It is hard to not have any control over when you will be blessed with another sweet spirit, especially when you have had several witnesses that you in fact have a child waiting to come to your home. It has been hard to not be able to find even 1 doctor that can give you any idea what might be wrong with you. I have cried many nights of late pouring my heart out to the Lord asking for answers. It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I struggle also with knowing that I have been so blessed with 2 wonderful kids and there are so many who can't even have one, so then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do, for struggling and asking why. The other night I had a good cry, I was feeling sorry for myself and Troy really helped me to see how much I do have, and yes this trial is hard but we will get through it and when we finally have our baby in our arms it will have all been worth it. It is sometimes just hard to see that when you are in the mists of it. Sunday our Relief Society lesson was on Gratitude and it couldn't have come at a better time for me. So from now on I am going to try to focus on all the wonderful blessings that I do have. A wonderful family, a devoted husband, his good job, a beautiful house and of course the gospel. I am going to continually work on my patience in this journey and look forward to next year when we can start our adoption process whether it be China or Domestic.

Graduation, Summer, and Coming Clean

Wow-so I am a horrible blogger!!! The end of May was crazy with Kindergarten Graduation, our 8th anniversary, my best friends wedding and hubby's family visiting. It took up a lot of time and kept me busy, which was a good thing.

My cute daughter had Kindergarten Graduation. It was so adorable and I cried like a baby. Is that normal? Probably, it is the mom thing to do. I just can't believe that she has finished her first year of school. They grow up so fast.

We celebrated our 8th anniversary. We went to dinner and did some shopping. Nothing super exciting but it was fun to do out without the kids. We went to an Asian Place up at the Gateway that was fairly good. It seems like just yesterday we were married. Time sure does go by faster as you get older.

My husbands family was in town for 2 weeks to celebrate the birth of his sister's baby. He is a cutie and so sweet and fun to hold. Totally adds to the baby hunger we already feel. I am of course super excited for my sil, but still found I was a bit jealous. I wondered if it was totally wrong for me to feel that way. Of course I love him to pieces and am so happy for their cute family. Summer is here and I am excited to slow down a bit and enjoy time with the kids, of course they want to be doing something everyday, so I am trying to come up with activities for us to do.

We recently decided that I should wean off of my antidepressant. Yes, I suffered from fairly severe post partum depression and have been on meds for just over 3 yrs. I always felt like it was something to be ashamed of and I never ever told anyone that I was taking medication for my depression. It just didn't fit with the perfect mother image I felt that I had to live up to. Of course it is all in my head and I am sure that pressure I put on myself didn't help. I digress-anyways, as of late I felt that my meds were not as effective as they used to be and I was feeling a lot of side effects that I had never felt before. I felt horrible physically and no matter what dr. I went to could not come up with a reason why I was gaining weight, having hot flashes, headaches and night sweats. I was tired all the time and completely sick of feeling that way. Luckily a good friend of mine, who knows about my depression, suggested I look at the side effects of my antidepressant. So I did a little research, came across many support groups for people who have been or are currently on this particular drug. Lo and behold, so many of the things I have been feeling many others have also experienced while on this drug. Back when I was so depressed I didn't bother to research the drug, I just wanted to desperately to feel better, but I am so glad I did now. My hubby and I made the decision, that although the withdrawal from it could be severe, that in the long run I would be better off if I stopped taking it. It has been rough, but I have been incredibly lucky to not have some of the severe withdrawals that many others have had. I have now been off for about a month and I actually feel better than I have in a long long time. The headaches, night sweats and hot flashes have all gone and I find I have so much more energy. Obviously what works for me is not what is right for everyone, but I glad that I made this choice for me and my family.

No news on the adoption front. We haven't been able to save a lot of money, but we are trying I guess that that is what is important. I am impatient and long to hold my baby in my arms, to get her home safe and sound where she can be loved and adored. I know all adoptive parents feel this way, and waiting is part of the process. But it is still so hard. Most of our family have been nothing but supportive of our decision and we are truly grateful for that. My mil is coming around, although she seems to think that just because she wasn't able to get anymore after her 3rd that we just need to accept that we might be done. That is hard to take, and I truly hope that by the time we are ready to go pick up our sweetie that she will be fully supportive. Obviously adoption isn't for everyone, but we feel it is what is right for our family and feel that the Lord has led here for a reason. I just wish more people could understand that what is right for them may not be what is right for us and that is okay. Alright I am done with my soapbox moment. Thank you for the kind comments I receive-I will try to update more often.

My Baby is 4

Wow, it is hard to believe that my baby just turned 4 yrs old this week. We had a fun party at the park and invited our friends and family. He got all kinds of super hero toys and loves to save the day. I realized that I only have a year left before he off to school with his sister. It makes me sad. I didn't expect to have all my kids in school before I was 30. I had hoped to have little ones to take care of until I was at least 35. Maybe I still will.
Adoption is a long and hard road. I sometimes feel so frustrated because I am just ready to have our sweet baby home. We went off birth control 3 years ago. Never in a million years did I expect to still be waiting for the baby that we both know is suppose to be a part of our family. Both of us knew that we were suppose to have another child, and that is why even though our son was only 9 months old, we look that leap. It was scary, he was still a baby. I know that we are going through this for a reason and I think that if we had not had these struggles than we never would have been led to the path of adoption. I am so grateful for that. Adoption is so beautiful and amazing and I can't wait to be apart of it. So heres to hoping that we can save the money quickly and get this show on the road. Patience is a virtue that I don't have.

ITS OFFICIAL!!!!!!

Okay so I am seriously not good at keeping up on this thing. But we have officially decided to adopt from Vietnam!!! We are really excited. It has taken us at least a year to finally be on the same page, but here we are and we couldn't be more excited. It really came down to a money issue with my sweet husband. He just didn't know where we would get the money. So we made a little deal-- If we can save up about half of the money than we will go ahead and start with the paperwork. He just doesn't want to get to far in and than not have the money to finish. I am already on it and have $1000 in our adoption fund!!! We are going to sell his motorcycle and I am going to start as a consultant for Lia Sophia jewelry. I will post a link to that once I get my site up and running. The kids are so excited and put all of their spare change in our adoption jar. It is cute.

I am still researching agencies, but I am pretty sure that I have it narrowed down to 2 that we will continue to think on and hopefully make a decision. If anyone has advice on agencies we would love to hear it.

We recently went on vacation to DisneyWorld and had a fantastic time. That is the reason I haven't posted in such a long time.

What is Embryo Adoption????

I figured that there are probably not a whole lot of people out there who know much about embryo adoption or what it is. So I thought I would try to explain it. There are many people who suffer from infertility and go through IVF in order to create their family. Many times when they are done having their children they will have left over embryos. Most of the time these embies just stay frozen and then are later destroyed. There are a few places now that offer the option of donating those embryos to other couples who cannot get pregnant with their own egg or sperm. This gives a couple the chance to be pregnant with their adopted child. It is pretty neat. Of course many people say well that is kinda weird, why do that instead of just adopting or trying IVF yourselves? Well for us it was the fact that my eggs are really bad. IVF would probably end up costing a lot of money for nothing. We also have been blessed with two children on our own already and don't feel that going through all the steps of fertility treatments is for us. It is also a lot less expensive. Check out the http://embryodonation.org to find out more. It is really new and not a lot of people even know that this is an option. We are seriously considering this option for our family.

New to Blogging

Well this is my first ever adventure into the world of blogging. We are starting the process of adoption. We are looking into 2 options: Embryo adoption or international(eventually). Not only am I a mom to superman, but a princess too. They keep me busy and entertained. Thanks for stopping by.