Coming to the End and the Beginning

As my pregnancy is coming to an end I find that I am reflecting back over the past 5 years and what we went through to get to this point. It is crazy that the one thing that we have wished and prayed for for so long is about to happen. It just a couple of days I will go in for my c-section and we will finally welcome this baby to our home and lives-it has been apart of our hearts for 5 years and it is so exciting to be able to finally put a face and a little person behind our dream. Almost exactly 5 years ago Troy and I felt such strong promptings on the exact same day that we were suppose to have another baby. It freaked me out! Tanner was only 9 months old and still my baby-needless to say I was not ready at all. It actually took me a couple of months to come around to the idea and jump in. Needless to say I didn't think that we would have any problems because we hadn't before. So I was shocked by the struggles we faced in getting pregnant-it just didn't make sense to me. After several rounds of clomid I prayed that we would find the right path to bring this child into our home. I started researching adoption and instantly my heart felt at peace- I thought that I had finally found the answer I was looking for. I researched and researched and fell in love with the sweet faces I saw coming home from Vietnam and Asia and felt that we were suppose to go and find our child there. Money was a huge concern for us and it just felt like we were never going to be able to afford an adoption. I watched and waited and prayed and still felt that Vietnam was the place for us-we just needed to save up some money. Then the Vietnam program began to experience problems and closed down. I was devastated! I felt that we had missed a chance-but Troy was ever optimistic and knew that somehow we would find the right path to grow our family. My heart was set on adoption-I have grown to love it. The families I have been able to learn about just truly touched my heart and I found that everywhere I turned I was meeting someone whose life had been touched by it. I was so excited to be apart of it-so I was reluctant to even try any more fertility drugs-I didn't want to get my hopes up-and I felt truly at peace with the decision to grow our family through adoption-but my new doctor wanted to just try clomid again. So I went on it-and was told I didn't ovulate-so imagine my surprise when 2 weeks later I find out we are pregnant. It was crazy-my emotions were everywhere-I just didn't know what to think or feel. Of course I was soo excited and humbled and just felt so blessed to be pregnant again after so long, but apart of me mourned for the loss of adoption as an option for our family because it had become such a part of me and my plans for the future. I know it sounds silly but is was such an array of emotions it is hard to describe. I think that I will always have a love for adoption and I hope that maybe someday we will get to adopt-It is hard to know and understand the why things worked out the way they did for us. We obviously had something that we were suppose to learn from this trial-whether it was to open our hearts to adoption-or something else I just don't know at this time, but I do know that my heart was changed and opened to so many things through this trial and I am grateful for those things.

It is crazy to think that we are now ready to start a new chapter in our lives. We are so excited to move to this next stage of our lives. I have been lucky to not have to hard of a pregnancy. And we are sooo ready for this sweet spirit. The kids can hardly wait and will just be huge helps to me. This baby will definitely not be lacking in love-I will post some belly pics and then next week sometime update to let you all know what we had and how we are doing.

The Results are In........

and of course my bloodwork came normal except I didn't ovulate. Do we really pay money for this kind of stuff??

So my doc gave me provera and clomid-it has been a couple of years since I last tried clomid, so maybe this time it will work. I figure it is cheap so we mine as well try it. Not enjoying the side effects though-so not fun.

It has been a crazy week, but that is another post entirely.

A Conversation with the Doctor

So I went to the OB/GYN on Friday-here is how it went

Doc- So what symptoms have you been having?
Me-Well I didn't have a period for 3 months and then I bled for 3 months straight
Doc-Hmmm-it sounds like you probably aren't ovulating
Me-yup-and this is news?? Your the 3rd doc to tell me that*
Doc-well lets try some clomid
Me-Ive done 6 or 7 cycles of clomid and I never ovulate on it-even at the highest dose
Doc-well lets run some blood work and see what that tells us
Me-you mean the blood tests we run every 6 months that tell you I didn't ovulate but everything else is normal?* Okay we can do that
Doc-have you been to the fertility specialists yet?
Me-yeah-they didn't even look at my chart and ordered all the same tests I had just had done 2 weeks before-My previous doc thought I had POF and the fertility doc said no thats not even possible without even looking at my chart-so we werent very happy with that visit
Doc-hmm that is strange, they are usually so thorough-well lets see what the blood work says and we'll go from there
Me-Okay thanks

*Italics to add my thoughts-not what I actually said*
So needless to say I didn't get much out of my trip to the doctor-I am not adverse to going back to a fertility specialist-but I would like to find one that will actually listen to me and not just assume because I am so young or because I have had 2 kids that nothing could be wrong. I actually have all the symptoms of POF-of course I hope that that isn't it. I am so ready to move forward with an adoption-I would just like to know what is wrong with me for closure I guess.

Do you still have Hope? and other Random stuff

So lately I have been thinking about hope while going through infertility. How long before you finally say "okay this not going to happen for us"? I feel lucky that we will get to adopt because it such an amazing gift and I am so excited to be a part of it. It didn't take me long to get to this point, though it did take Troy a little bit longer. Although at the same time I find that sometimes I still think I could still get pregnant. I think this because the doctors have yet to find anything "wrong" per say. But logically I tell myself it has been 4 years of no birth control and like 4 cycles a year, so the chances are slim-but there is still the small amount of hope in me. So my question is: how long before you stopped believing there might be a chance-although slim-that you would get pregnant? Is it when you were told by drs that it wasn't going to happen or did you just come to the conclusion on your own? For me I think that I know that getting pregnant is most likely not going to happen but since we aren't ready to start our adoption process I still have that small amount of HOPE that something will happen on its own. Having said that I can't wait to start our adoption!! It is so exciting to read other peoples stories and see the wonderful joy it has brought to their lives and I can't wait to add my own story and be apart of something so special!!! So I think that the small amount of hope that is left is more me not wanting to wait any longer for a baby. Patience has never been my strong suit and the waiting to adopt is torture for me. I am just so ready!

So those are my random thoughts on infertility. I have been quite obsessive about it, but also feel at peace with the decision to wait. So my new obsession is Facebook. K-I totally love the thing!! Troy thinks I am a big dork-but that is just cause he hasn't gotten on it yet. It is so fun!! I have connected with tons of people from school that I haven't talked to in years, I also think the applications are fun-I love to take the little random quizzes. I know I am wierd, but it is way better than Myspace. If you are on Facebook I am sure you will understand!

So now I am going to start doing a favorite photo Friday- this week I have 2 pics

This is Tanner after his St. Patricks Day party at Pre-School. They made these cutle little Leprecaun Hats and wore Green. He just looked too cute.This next one is Sunday after church Troy and the kids made a fort with all of my cusions and blankets. They loved having Daddy play in the tent with them.

Adoption Options

For awhile now we have been discussing all of our adoption choices. Sadly Vietnam adoptions are really unstable right now and there is talk that they may even close down. I truly hope that this doesn't happen. There are so many families waiting for referrals or waiting for travel to bring their little ones home and I can only imagine how frustrating and worrisome this time is for them. My heart truly goes out to those in the process right now. Please keep these fantastic families in your prayers. That being said we don't feel that it is a good idea for us to start a Vietnam adoption at this point in time. This was really hard as I had to come to truly believe that this is where we were suppose to go, but I know that the Lord will open other pathways and options for us. We have talked a lot about domestic adoption and I used to really struggle with some aspects of it. But I have been so touched by so many other families who have had positive experiences with it that I have truly felt my heart being opened to this option. When we first started looking into adoption after realizing the chances of us having another biological child were slim I was immediately drawn to China. Of course after some research we learned that you have to be 30 to adopt from there. Well I was 26 so that didn't work well. I always felt that we would adopt from China someday, but was impatient to wait that long. So we have looked into other options. Unfortunately with new jobs, house moves and the like we have not had the chance to really put any money away. We are working really hard at getting out of debt and have decided to wait until late this year or early next year to start an adoption. Next spring I will be 29 1/2 and able to start China paperwork - so this may be the route we take. I am excited at the prospect even though I know that the wait is quite long, but I have felt for some time that we would have a daughter born in China. Of course when you are in the mists of the struggle of wanting to have a baby more than anything it is hard to say okay lets just wait 4 years. Well 4 years is almost here.

I have struggled of late with the frustrations of infertility. The questions without answers. It is hard to not have any control over when you will be blessed with another sweet spirit, especially when you have had several witnesses that you in fact have a child waiting to come to your home. It has been hard to not be able to find even 1 doctor that can give you any idea what might be wrong with you. I have cried many nights of late pouring my heart out to the Lord asking for answers. It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I struggle also with knowing that I have been so blessed with 2 wonderful kids and there are so many who can't even have one, so then I feel guilty for feeling the way I do, for struggling and asking why. The other night I had a good cry, I was feeling sorry for myself and Troy really helped me to see how much I do have, and yes this trial is hard but we will get through it and when we finally have our baby in our arms it will have all been worth it. It is sometimes just hard to see that when you are in the mists of it. Sunday our Relief Society lesson was on Gratitude and it couldn't have come at a better time for me. So from now on I am going to try to focus on all the wonderful blessings that I do have. A wonderful family, a devoted husband, his good job, a beautiful house and of course the gospel. I am going to continually work on my patience in this journey and look forward to next year when we can start our adoption process whether it be China or Domestic.

My Baby is 4

Wow, it is hard to believe that my baby just turned 4 yrs old this week. We had a fun party at the park and invited our friends and family. He got all kinds of super hero toys and loves to save the day. I realized that I only have a year left before he off to school with his sister. It makes me sad. I didn't expect to have all my kids in school before I was 30. I had hoped to have little ones to take care of until I was at least 35. Maybe I still will.
Adoption is a long and hard road. I sometimes feel so frustrated because I am just ready to have our sweet baby home. We went off birth control 3 years ago. Never in a million years did I expect to still be waiting for the baby that we both know is suppose to be a part of our family. Both of us knew that we were suppose to have another child, and that is why even though our son was only 9 months old, we look that leap. It was scary, he was still a baby. I know that we are going through this for a reason and I think that if we had not had these struggles than we never would have been led to the path of adoption. I am so grateful for that. Adoption is so beautiful and amazing and I can't wait to be apart of it. So heres to hoping that we can save the money quickly and get this show on the road. Patience is a virtue that I don't have.